An antidote for trauma

“Trauma is not what happens to us, but what we hold inside in the absence of an empathetic witness.” Peter Levine

I listened to a podcast this morning and this definition of trauma really jumped out at me. It is not the first time I have heard this definition, but today it touched a nerve.

It brought me back to the dinner I had last February where four expat mothers shared their experiences of giving birth and raising children abroad, often alone, in a foreign language and far from family. It is not the events themselves - the birth, mastitis, or hemorrhoids, but the lack of a witness and the lack of empathy - an echo of “I’ve been there too” that marks us.

This dinner was the beginning of And You. My goal is to create a space where women can connect and feel empowered as they become mothers.

The power of people

Esther Perel and Dan Harris also talked about the Harvard Study of Happiness, which you may have heard of. Led by Dr. Robert Waldinger, this study tracks 724 families over 85 years and has found that the quality of your relationships determines the quality of your life.

I think we know intuitively that when we are on our deathbeds looking back, we won't think about how much money we made or what we achieved professionally, but we will think of the people we knew and loved.

But good relationships not only increase our “happiness,” they also increase our longevity by buffering us from life's stresses. Why? Because stress over time can kill us and stress can be reduced by social connections. So as Dan Harris may tattoo on himself, "Never worry alone."

So how do you make more friends when you don’t even have time to wash your hair? I hear you. And I have an idea that is a win-win:

Ask for help

Reach out to someone you miss, someone you respect, someone you value and ask them for help. Ask for their advice on what you should do, ask them to pick your kid up from school for you, ask them for something you truly need in this moment of life.

We have been conditioned to think it is weak to ask for help. That we should always “correct” a statement about our reality by adding a positive phrase to the end of it. We look at instagram and see clean houses, manicured moms and well-behaved children.

But if you ask a few people you trust to show up for you, to do a concrete thing, to give their real opinion, you will be amazed at what can bloom. We can learn and give so much to ourselves and to others if we connect on a deeper, more authentic level.

Now is a great time to try because the crazy-busy of the holidays can make everything seem like too much. A real conversation with a loved one can bring us calmly back down to the ground.

Send a text message, a voice note or an email and ask a friend to help you.

Better yet, ask someone to bake you a cake,

Erica